You're Gonna Have Your Hands Full

The last few weeks of my pregnancy, it seemed like everywhere I went people would glance at my ripe belly and my two year old boy and say, "You're gonna have your hands full." And I'd give them a terrified but smiling face and nod my head in agreement. I knew it. I already had my hands full. Adding the demands of a newborn to the rotation was certainly going to be interesting. Then you think about how it's only the beginning. Soon they'll both be walking and talking and then you're hands are really gonna be full. You just keep telling yourself that it'll all work out... which it totally does.

The truth is, my hands ARE full. My hands are full of two babies. Nursing, holding, drying tears, coloring pictures. My hands are learning to balance being a mother to two growing babies, and a wife to my husband. It's hard to do all things at once. It's hard to be the wife and mother my family needs in a single day.

Yesterday my boy was sick. Sicker than I've ever seen him. He never moved and had a fever that hit 104. I was scared to death. He cried when I touched him and said his "body hurt." It was one of my hardest days as a mom. At one point I was on the phone with his pediatrician trying to cool him down but also take care of my nursing infant. She asked who I had here helping me. And I cried when I said "no one." It was a moment of weakness when I realized I am the one who needs to help these kids. This is my job as a stay at home mom. I'm lucky I get to do this. I'm lucky my husband has a job that provides for our family.

My hands are gonna be full for awhile. I am going to have many hard days. Yesterday was one of them. But last night the fever finally broke. My boy finally ate some food and drank some juice. I read him his stories and he said "I love you Mom." And my HEART was full. So full. In the calm of the night I knew it would be alright.

I know many mothers face much worse with their sick children or their out of control children. But we all have our days. Days when other problems are clouding our mind, where it's tough to focus. Days where our babies really need us. Days where we don't really feel like we were enough... Not enough mother, not enough wife. But one day, some years in the future, my hands won't be so full. Something tells me my heart will be aching for these full hands again.

Today the sun is out, and we are in resting mode. Tomorrow we are leaving for a family visit up North... And yes, my hands are gonna be full. I'm rolling with it.